Quotes¶

This page collects the best lines of PITF, grouped by arc in story order and then by episode. Each entry names the player, the character they are speaking as, and the moment. Lines marked "out of character" were said by the player at the table and not by a character. Every non-player character is voiced by Andre, the game master.

An ellipsis marks a place where a line has been trimmed or where someone else at the table cut in. The unrecorded sessions have no quotes. For the jokes that recur across episodes, see Running gags.

Hall of fame¶

Andre (as Rutherford): "It's like a roller coaster, except you talk to God." (Radford Horror 04)
Ezra (as The Biz): "I now believe in aliens, and I hate them." Joining the fight against the moth. (Radford Horror 07)
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Moth to a flame, bitch!" Setting the monster on fire. (Radford Horror 07)
Zack (as Huell Kendrick): "Hey Howard, you've been shot, buddy. Welcome to the team." At Andrew's hospital bed. (Radford Horror 08)
Andre (as Briggs): "I think every damned soul becomes a seagull. That's my little heresy on top of Catholicism." A fisherman's theology. (Summer Service 01)
Andre (as Gray-skinned dream visitor): "Are you high enough in your government to order a nuclear strike? That might work." Advice on the thing in the water. (Summer Service 03)
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "All right, boys, raise your hand. Who wants to cause a nuclear incident?" (Summer Service 06)
Andre (as Donald McManley): "What do we do if the universe turns out to just be full of the stupidest fucking thing I have ever heard in my life?" An existential rant at the office. (Appalachia 01)
Zack (as Huell Kendrick): "Sir, I am an officer. Do not touch me. I am listening to the menu." In line at the Spud Hut. (Appalachia 02)
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "We're not surveilling Bill Clinton. We're surveilling dead Chewbacca." Pleading innocence to Big Bill. (Appalachia 07)
Dante (out of character): "Apes mine gold... Tell nobody, 'cause ape." The whole operation, recapped for Zack. (Appalachia 09)
Andre (as George H. W. Bush): "There is coincidence, there is miracle, and there is enemy action." His theory of the Georgia events. (Walkers 01)
Andre (as Ponytail Lady): "The number two most important rule of living here is to keep the fucking goose happy." House rules at the ranch. (Walkers 02)
Andre (as Donald McManley): "This is not a person. This is a vehicle. Somebody made this. And whatever you killed inside of it was its pilot." His verdict on a Skinwalker body. (Walkers 08)
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "Did you call the right person? Like, there are a lot of Andrew Howards in the world." To the President of the United States. (Roulet Estate 03)
Andre (as Crash survivor): "Not aliens. The opposite of aliens." Answering Yeltsin. (Radford Horrors 04)

The Radford Horror¶

Radford Horror 01 ¶

Andre (as Mr. King): "Jesus and the Buddha were not wholly of this world, and neither are you. Remember that." Parting words to Andrew in the flashback.
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "But that ain't mean. That's just... that's just rad." On learning his nickname is "Andrew the Alien."
Andre (as Kurt's boss): "What I needed was a German Shepherd and what I got was a crocodile." Downsizing Kurt.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "You know none of the green men stuff has panned out so far, right?" Accepting the assignment.
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "We're gonna, you know, travel around, find monsters and shit." Briefing Dick and Kurt.
Ezra (as The Biz): "We get dental. This is about to be the bleeding edge for my liver." Reply to "bleeding edge."
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Not your average spook. I think of myself as more of a Casper." To Deputy Underhill.
Andre (as Rutherford): "When they're sending UFOs, they aren't sending their best." The alien debate at the Pay n' Stay desk.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Those things will stand for a thousand years, I swear." About a World Trade Center postcard.
Andre (as Tyler): "I want to be a spaceman." When told he could grow up to be an agent.
Andre (as Sheriff Frank Roosevelt): "I just want to make sure there isn't gonna be any... cowboy bullshit going on." Setting ground rules.
Andre (as Diane): "My life has gotten a lot more surreal since about 6 this morning." After spotting a landmine.

Radford Horror 02 ¶

Ezra (as The Biz): "Sir, I work for the FBI. It is. Hundred percent." Response to the father calling Usenet "probably perverts."
Andre (as Sheriff Frank Roosevelt): "It's not fishing. It's perverts. You don't go fishing for perverts." Reaction to the bait-dog idea.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Using an animal in an op almost never works out. They're unpredictable, they're unprofessional." On the dog bait plan.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Trust me when I say that these kinda perverts you're looking for are very particular about their beans." The coffee shop theory.
Zack (as Huell Kendrick): "Supposing I wanted to fraudulently fill a prescription, how might I go about doing that?" To the pharmacist.
Andre (as Sheriff Frank Roosevelt): "Listen, take it up with the taxpayers. People do not like their taxes around here." On funding for deputies.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Come back in honor or not at all, American pig dog." What Kurt's wife shouted down the phone.
Zack (out of character): "Two spacemen, what are the odds?" On the sheriff missing the link.
Andre (out of character): "Gotta love a D&D campaign with homework." As the players compare case notes.
Andre (as GM): "I think the greatest monster is man." On the waiting room.
Dante (out of character): "I've Tabasco-boarded men for less." On pressuring Lori.

Radford Horror 03 ¶

Dante (as Kurt Larson): "I'm not a federal agent, by the way. I'm a hooligan, so just ignore this." At the phone booth.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "I got shot in the exact same place, twice, in Vietnam, five years apart. Now, that's a sacrifice." Winning over the elderly couple.
Andre (as Agent Murphy): "I'm Agent Murphy. I'm NSA. You are fucking this up for me." After being hit by the car.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Goddamn it, I hate hitting somebody in a borrowed car." After the collision.
Ezra (as The Biz): "Aliens are back off the menu. So, you know, sorry, Andrew Howard." A new theory.
Zack (as Huell Kendrick): "Hey, Howard, you ever been shot?" To the old man.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Parking like an asshole is the same as probable cause, right?" At the Augustine house.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Sometimes you gotta stop a guy who's in a car and you're not." Explaining the spike strip.
Andre (as GM): "Failed heist. Yeah, calling it a heist is generous... the Ocean's Eleven montage would be sad." After the clinic attempt.

Radford Horror 04 ¶

Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Once immolated, twice shy, let me tell ya." Donning a welding mask.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Never approach a hitchhiker without a welding mask."
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "You know what I could have done to Castro with that heat ray?"
Ezra (as The Biz): "I live and work in Washington, DC, and believe me, whatever that person was is not even close to the least convincing person disguise I've encountered."
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "We don't have a traditional alien abduction on our hands, and that's kinda disappointing. Really was hoping for, like, a tractor beam."
Zack (as Huell Kendrick): "Yeah, unusual in that there weren't aliens involved. Thank you for that, Howard."
Andre (as Rutherford): "It's like a roller coaster, except you talk to God."
Andre (as Rutherford): "Don't let 'em put you in a pain dimension."
Ezra (as The Biz): "I talked to God until I was in my thirties and nothing ever happened. Maybe this will do something."
Andre (as Molly Underhill): "I was skeptical, but y'all were right. Whatever's going on here is fucked up."
Dante (out of character): "Nobody's taking a bullet for the Pay n' Stay."

Radford Horror 05 ¶

Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Listen, you'd be surprised how handy that kind of thing comes in... nothing changes the dynamic of a conversation more than pulling a human skull out of ya bag." On collecting the dog skull.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "If we become certain that it's a wolf man, let me know, and I'll call my silver Parabellum guy."
Ezra (as The Biz): "State security matters more than lives until it's a lot of lives."
Zack (as Huell Kendrick): "Yeah, if I find a Wendigo, I'll keep it a secret."
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "We put pins through butterflies, right? Maybe they thought the same thing."
Andre (as A Radford deputy): "Yeah, we got a laminator. You know, we aren't some hillbilly town, don't got a laminator."
Andre (as Sheila): "If this place gets bedbugs again, I'm going to burn it to the ground for the insurance money, and you didn't hear me say that."
Andre (as Derek Augustine): "I always got kind of a weird vibe from the man... he likes jazz too much."
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Any briefing that doesn't take place in an underground tunnel is a good one to me."
Ezra (out of character): "Hard to get more suspicious than a white van."
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "At least the fucking Vietnamese jungle doesn't have bedbugs."

Radford Horror 06 ¶

Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Read my lips. It was like that when we got it." On the loaned squad car.
Ezra (as The Biz): "Also, these binoculars are amazing." On the radio.
Dante (out of character): "Ah yes, Columbo, known goblin."
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Plot twist, it's Bigfoot, motherfuckers!" Just before spotting the astronaut.
Zack (as Huell Kendrick): "It's just an airplane. What the fuck are you talking about?" With the craft overhead.
Andre (as Wilbur Whateley): "It's okay. It's worth it." In the spaceman suit, to Huell, who is clinging to him and about to fall.
Andre (as ER doctor): "Huell, twice in a day, you are not having a good life, my friend."
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "I didn't believe in aliens, and now I'm racist against them." On Huell's change of heart.
Dante (out of character): "You never open with the blowtorch."
Ezra (out of character): "Corpse cellar alien really rolls off the tongue."
Dante (out of character): "He went kidnapping, which is the opposite of going missing."
Andre (as A Radford deputy): "Man, y'all just don't sleep good, do ya?"

Radford Horror 07 ¶

Andre (as Douglas Douglas): "You look the most like a Fed of anyone I've ever seen." Fashion advice to Andrew.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Do you know what a union is, buddy?" To the exploited guard.
Ezra (as The Biz): "That's why they call it the business." On finding the cash.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "We're cool Feds. Let us in the plane." Offering heroin to Freak.
Andre (as Freak): "I don't fly Feds." Refusing Andrew.
Andre (as Freak): "Thank you for flying Francisco Airlines." After landing.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "This isn't the first time I've had to shoot someone while experiencing ego death." Resisting the creature.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "The accident wasn't your fault." The psionic flashbang.
Ezra (as The Biz): "I now believe in aliens, and I hate them." Joining the fight.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Moth to a flame, bitch!" Burning the monster.
Andre (as Wilbur Whateley): "It's not wrong when you eat a chicken. And it has to breed." Justifying the creature.
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "I got prayers, I got the Masters. We got things for this." While vomiting blood.
Andre (out of character): "I do like that you guys just, like, came into this building to arrest someone and then just got blended."

Radford Horror 08 ¶

Dante (as Kurt Larson): "I spent a lot of time in Vietnam pretending to be dirt." Planning to ambush as bait.
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "Did you know Jesus is one of the Masters?" A distraction shout.
Rita (out of character): "What's the worst that happens? We all die here and start a new game?" Weighing the poncho risk.
Kira (out of character): "Where do I buy that mace?" On Andrew's church mace.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Don't tell nobody. Don't give it to nobody. Don't eat it." Handing Molly the poncho.
Zack (as Huell Kendrick): "Hey Howard, you've been shot, buddy. Welcome to the team." To Andrew in the hospital.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "I always heard Mothman was a tulpa."
Zack (as Huell Kendrick): "A man will do a lot for some moth strange." On Wilbur.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "There's no feeling in the world like gambling with drug money."
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "I didn't kill an NSA agent, officially."
Dante (out of character): "No loose ends, all nicely tied up in a bow where we understand the whole bow." A sarcastic arc wrap-up.
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "I am out of my depth." The arc wrap-up.

The Summer Service¶

Summer Service 01 ¶

Andre (as Andrew Howard): "I think they might sacrifice people to a sea monster." Andre narrating Andrew as he finishes speed-reading the motel Bible.
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "No, they're not wicker people. They're definitely water people. They're wet. They're wet people." Correcting Kurt.
Andre (as Briggs): "Maybe the next one will be more successful." On the blast.
Andre (as Briggs): "I think every damned soul becomes a seagull. That's my little heresy on top of Catholicism."
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "I found an arm." / "Ocean." Phoning Diane.
Andre (as Jester): "Not a bed-and-toothbrush." Refusing Huell.
Andre (as Douglas Scott): "Don't give her coffee again... We have run the experiment." About Lena.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "If I were at my old job, you would already be zip-tied to a chair, being Tabasco-boarded." To the roof watcher.
Andre (as Amos Shaw): "Was Christ not himself a fisherman?"
Andre (as Amos Shaw): "Be yourself... There are worse things to be." To Andrew about being a fed.
Andre (as Diane): "If it seems like a big... I can't say it... thing is gonna try to kill you guys, let me know so I can send in the cavalry."
Dante (out of character): "We shouldn't be trying to speedrun the human sacrifice."
Rita (out of character): "We just survived fighting a whole-ass fucking moth." Andre: "It doesn't sound that impressive when you say it like that."
Dante (out of character): "Last mystery, we solved almost no questions."

Summer Service 03 ¶

Andre (as Gray-skinned dream visitor): "Hi, Andrew. I'm really sorry about all the stuff that's gonna happen to you. Your friends seem like nice people. You should stay away from the water." The gray man's warning.
Andre (as Gray-skinned dream visitor): "Are you high enough in your government to order a nuclear strike? That might work." On the water entity.
Andre (as Donald McManley): "I could not give less of a shit, Huell." Cutting off the goat-racing story.
Zack (as Huell Kendrick): "I feel great. I think maybe... that priest slipped me some methamphetamine or something." Why he feels great.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "I don't know what the CDC plans to do against the spinning death wheel under the water that eats ships for dinner, but, you know, maybe they can vaccinate it."
Ezra (as The Biz): "I don't write reports. I do the New York Times crossword puzzle. It's much more interesting."
Andre (as Big Bill): "Sir's fine." After Andrew's "Mr. Sir Nelson."
Andre (as Big Bill): "The last time I heard most of the words you just said was back when Reagan's Star Wars proposal was still being pretty heavily discussed."
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "There is a cult here with weird, perfectly spherical diamonds, drugs in their communion wine that make you hotter." Briefing Big Bill.
Andre (as Ma Gramoire): "I've never liked people who can read." About the EPA scientists.
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "Guys, we have worms!" Telling the car.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Remember that conversation we had about how, if I ever had to shoot Godzilla, what you think would be the ticket?" To the weapons contact.
Andre (as Donald McManley): "Howard, come put your eye on the microscope, Howard. Don't be a coward." Delivered with no laugh.

Summer Service 04 ¶

Andre (as Old woman): "Pastor says God is coming." The cold open.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Lady Liberty doesn't sleep. Dengue fever didn't stop me before. I'm not gonna let some 12-year-old's disease put me down." To Big Bill, shivering.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "I got chicken pox and nerve agent and worms, apparently."
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "It's worms. It's full of worms. We all have parasites." To Big Bill.
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "I'm sorry, you have a nuke?"
Ezra (as The Biz): "Is this you, or is this the worms?" Watching Kurt stuff grenades into his fanny pack.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "It's just laundry, man." Explaining the nuke to Jester.
Andre (as Esteban): "That motherfucker is putting bean juice in the laundry."
Ezra (as The Biz): "You never know when you might need to make someone smell like beans."
Andre (as The Mayor of Marblehead): "As we get closer to, let's call it game day, you know, the devil is going to be forced to undertake more and more of his works out in the open."
Zack (out of character): "Yeah, thanks, worms." After being told Huell is now jacked.
At the table (out of character): "This whole thing has RICO written all over it." Dante: "This whole thing has Waco written all over it."

Summer Service 05 ¶

Andre (as Madeline Weathers): "Okay, tell me your position on Jesus Christ." Her opening line to Andrew in the rain.
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "He's an all-powerful alien that came to Earth to help us, guide us to a better future." His reply.
Ezra (as The Biz): "Listen, this is what I was born to do. I'm a police officer." Before shooting the dog.
Rita (out of character): "Oh shit. Shit, I forgot this wasn't pepper spray." After the spray passes through Kurt's hand.
Andre (as The Marines): "We're the goddamn Marines. Get off the line." Interrupting the FBI radio.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Lie to a horse doctor if you have to. I don't care. Tell him you got a pony." Ivermectin advice to Madeline.
Zack (as Huell Kendrick): "Nice pajamas, jackass." To McManley.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "That was the worst thing I saw today. Dog was the second worst." About Arnold.
Zack (as Huell Kendrick): "A strong third was those pajamas." Adding to the insult.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Town. Posse. Hunted. Shh." Waking the RV assistant.
Ezra (out of character): "First moth, now worm. What next, guys?" Kira: "Snail."
Andre (as Henry): "I hate it here. It sucks so bad." In the cramped RV, as the episode winds down.
Zack (as Huell Kendrick): "I think the local police are trying to form a posse to murder us." A payphone call to the FBI.

Summer Service 06 ¶

Andre (as Big Bill): "I have to go into work. The Protestants are trying to kill my detectives." The cold open.
Andre (as Submarine captain): "I am done with this spooky shit... it's gonna be God's problem soon."
Andre (as The radio contact): "I'm only allowed to tell you stuff you already know."
Andre (as The radio contact): "Oh, those things are way overbuilt. It'll be fine... I've done this before."
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Can you keep a secret?" Before revealing the Davy Crockett.
Andre (as Jester): "It's you, Toothbrush Man!"
Zack (as Huell Kendrick): "You motherfucker, you had toothbrushes."
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "All right, boys, raise your hand. Who wants to cause a nuclear incident?"
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Eh, fuck samples, we're not scientists."
Andre (as The radio contact): "That was awesome! Get the fuck away from there."
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "Terrorists, okay. Terrorists."
Zack (as Huell Kendrick): "That scoundrel. What?" Feigning surprise at the nuke.
Dante (out of character): "I knew it was worth staying in touch with arms dealers."

The Things in Appalachia¶

Appalachia 01 ¶

Dante (as Kurt Larson): "All right, men, they want us to kill Bigfoot." Reading the dossier.
Zack (as Huell Kendrick): "Finally, let's get this dealt with." His reply.
Andre (as Donald McManley): "What do we do if the universe turns out to just be full of the stupidest fucking thing I have ever heard in my life?" An existential rant.
Andre (as Donald McManley): "I gotta air this place out. It smells like ass in here." Before returning to work.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Listen, you can be in the sweltering heat of Dubai and walk into a McDonald's..." then "I'm not allowed to talk about that."
Andre (as Smith Hotel Desk Clerk): "I'm not that big into getting wicker-manned." On Auraria.
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "What if they're the Bigfoot perverts?" Of the dental oncologists.
Zack (as Huell Kendrick): "McDonald's is a big corporation. They hire lawyers in case I get a tapeworm."
Zack (as Huell Kendrick): "God, what an asshole. This'll never last." Hearing Howard Stern.
Andre (as Sheriff Carter Burke): "I will take the Bigfoot stuff over the gold stuff."
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "A weirdo in an ape costume stealing a kid is not the craziest thing that's come across my desk."

Appalachia 02 ¶

Dante (as Kurt Larson): "I don't mean to be blunt, but shoe in a tree, that kid is dead." At the tree.
Zack (as Huell Kendrick): "Listen, buddy, he was dead 45 minutes after the last person saw him... I've been in this business a long time."
Zack (as Huell Kendrick): "Ma'am, it's Georgia. I understand." About the aunt with the Bigfoot book.
Dante (out of character): "Turns out the real Monster of the Week was being judgmental about other people's boundaries."
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Every time we go to a town, the hotel full up with dentists, every single time. It's like a curse or something."
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Son, you gotta get out of here. Your mind is an incredible gift." The Spud Hut worker replies "The Spud Hut changed my life."
Zack (as Huell Kendrick): "Sir, I am an officer. Do not touch me. I am listening to the menu." In the Spud Hut line.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Can we get four of those?" After asking the worker to repeat the first special.
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "Guys, I'm handsome, right?" After Prim's remarks.
Andre (out of character): "You don't know how long this menu goes on, motherfucker. Don't commit to things you don't understand." To Dante, who had offered to pay for ingredients.

Appalachia 03 ¶

Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Say, Andrew, do you think you could sleep with your ankles zip-tied together?" After the blood trail suggests Andrew sprinted.
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "Normally someone's, like, talking to me or crouching over me or licking my face. Not this time." Describing his usual dreams.
Zack (as Huell Kendrick): "Kid's dead, though. Here's the shoe." Handing over the shoe.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Please, please, do you have any yayo?" After the mauling.
Ezra (as The Biz): "Bigfoot is real, and I'm gonna kill it."
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "It's a Yeti, and it's lost its environment due to climate change, and that's how it's ended up in Georgia."
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Georgia was never cold." His reply to the Yeti theory.
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "I hate caves." After the nosebleed.
Andre (as Sheriff Carter Burke): "That's some real Stephen King shit." About an adult grabbing kids underground.
Andre (as Donald McManley): "Oh, oh, tell me you have a body." / "Like Christmas." On hearing about the face in a bag.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Anything done in service to the American people is legal. At least that's what they always told me in my unit."
Ezra (out of character): "Dealing with an actual conspiracy was a huge pain in the ass, so I am just really hopeful that this time it's actually just a huge fuck-up."

Appalachia 04 ¶

Andre (as Sheriff Carter Burke): "If we were a beach town, I would close the beach." On keeping people out of the woods.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "I wish that were more of a distinguishing feature around here." On drunk hunters, to Monica.
Andre (as Monica Cartwright): "I don't mean he looked a little like Chewbacca. I mean he looked exactly like Chewbacca."
Andre (as Clover): "We're getting a boiler." The Covenant's deflection of every concern.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "And the Viet Cong prison camps had hot water." His reply to the boiler plan.
Andre (as Mother Dahlia Riversand): "You've got the devil standing right behind you. Do you know that?" To Andrew.
Andre (as Jeremy): "I'm out of Quaaludes. Do you have any Quaaludes?" A plea to Andrew.
Andre (as Mother Dahlia Riversand): "He turned into a paste. At least he didn't feel a thing." On her husband and the bullet train.
Andre (as Appleby): "Don't eat the shrimp scampi." A warning about Spud Hut.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Just one more dinner at Mr. Lecter's place, and then we'll start investigating him, I swear to God."

Appalachia 06 ¶

Andre (as Sheriff Carter Burke): "Now, the fact that he is dressed in a Chewbacca outfit is undeniably hilarious... but we have a responsibility here." Scolding Andrew.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "CIA standard procedure. Don't worry about it." Telling the sheriff to guard the body.
Zack (as Huell Kendrick): "Sir, next time someone shows up with a dead Bigfoot, you should check if it's a man in a suit." To Frotter.
Andre (as Frotter Comstock): "The day that I touch an undiscovered species... a corpse in the woods is the day that Frotter Comstock has lost his edge."
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Jesus Christ, boy. I'm gonna call in some people in NATO... You will be hearing from Langley." To the savant counter kid.
Andre (as Spud Hut Counter Savant): "Spud Hut saved my life."
Andre (as Spud Hut Counter Savant): "I don't know about handguns. I haven't read that book yet."
Andre (as Motel and Suites Clerk): "If you see a green garbage bag back there, don't open the green garbage bag."
Andre (as Motel and Suites Clerk): "It's obvious you put it on 'cause you took off your cop outfit." On Andrew's Bigfoot shirt.
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "I love this T-shirt."
Dante (out of character): "You receive a few thousand coded messages on microfiche, and you get real sick of that shit."

Appalachia 07 ¶

Andre (as Big Bill): "Howard, don't fuck this up." His closing order after the Clinton scandal call.
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "We're not surveilling Bill Clinton. We're surveilling dead Chewbacca." Pleading innocence to Big Bill.
Andre (as Big Bill): "Howard, I do not care about the bears." On the phone.
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "I don't sleep with them. I don't know where they go at night." On the team's unsupervised nights.
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "Sir, I don't think we have the technology to record what our eyeballs have seen." Asked to prove he never surveilled Clinton.
Zack (as Huell Kendrick): "Sure, we found ten grand in a garbage can. Fuck it, it's on me, boys." Paying for the Circle Chasers.
Andre (as Spud Hut Counter Savant): "That is the menu." Handing over the cryptogram.
Ezra (as The Biz): "Surf and turf, what's not to like?" After the octopus spud.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "That's the real urban camo, let me tell you what." Handing out Hawaiian shirts.
Andre (as Donald McManley): "I'm a forensic scientist, not a fucking wizard." On the dirt request.
Andre (as Eduardo Hooper): "They got uranium in them." Selling chemistry sets.
At the table (out of character): "Howard basically has magical dementia." On Andrew's satchel.
Zack (out of character): "I hope they do manage to crack it after, like, a thousand hours, only to find out it's a fucking menu."

Appalachia 08 ¶

Dante (as Kurt Larson): "You're my fish in the pond and I'm feeding you to get ya real big, but I don't want ya caught." Warning the investigator.
Andre (as The investigator): "What kind of Scooby-Doo-ass bullshit is going on in this town?" Hearing about the dirt-filled truck.
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "Thank you for your time." Fleeing the Fox 5 microphone, then repeated sweatily at the door.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "You see down here where this says Brazil? Yeah, okay, so that's not real." Fishing for a real ID.
Andre (as Jan Martense): "I will not tolerate any chicanery at my facility." Before the Special Projects door.
Andre (as Jan Martense): "Down here we do the toppings. Have you seen our menu?" On the lowest floor.
Ezra (as The Biz): "There's an arm." Reporting to Kurt.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Give me a sitrep, Bizarino." Rushing to the Biz.
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "Are you kidding? I might get to see a werewolf, sir." Hustling toward the door.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Ear pro!" Setting down the Claymore.
Ezra (out of character): "Even tying my shoelaces is an Act Under Pressure right now." On the Biz's day.
Zack (out of character): "If there were ape-men, I would respect them."
Dante (out of character): "Who left the ape-men in the break room? Lenny." The closing joke.

Appalachia 09 ¶

Andre (as Jan Martense): "Not now, Marlene." Brushing off the reporters in the cold open.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Claymores for Bigfoot." Compared to garlic for Dracula.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "I'm CIA. I'm certified for anything." Before hotwiring the forklift.
Andre (as Clive): "Don't ask questions about the ape-men." Jan's one condition of employment.
Dante (out of character): "Apes mine gold... Tell nobody, 'cause ape." Recapping Clive's explanation for Zack.
Andre (as Clive): "I'm not a moral philosopher... We eat meat." Defending the operation.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "I have seen tens of hundreds, if not thousands, of lines of yayo done in front of a dolphin, but it just doesn't get it." CIA animal-program lore.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Mmm, mmm, mmm, fellas, you have gotta try this stuff. Oh my god... Oh, that is some good ketamine." Selling the Combos to the ape-men.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "That's such a jackass redneck solution with such space-age technology." On the portal and pipe.
Ezra (as The Biz): "I wish the state police creeps would come down here. This is way weirder than Bill Clinton." After the portal.
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "This is the greatest day of my life." Heading toward the ape-men.
Dante (out of character): "You guys need to stop trying to turn our only guide against us when we are in a fucking mine surrounded by ape-men!" Stopping the interrogation of Clive.
Ezra (as The Biz): "This is a remarkably easy slave mine to escape from." On the unguarded ladder.

Philosopher's Fist 3.J/2: Unchainable¶

Non-canon

These lines come from the non-canon one-shot, an in-universe 1992 OVA. Dante plays Derk and Rita plays Mirabeth.

Philosopher's Fist ¶

Dante (as Derk): "Get down, Mr. Doggy!" Leaping in front of Sparago's blast.
Dante (as Derk): "Kill the audience. Don't kill the judgers." The chant.
Rita (as Mirabeth): "You can definitely do that, dear. It's called a punch." When asked if she can ki blast.
Dante (as Derk): "I ate nothing but scorpion meat for 14 years. Earth food is fucking incredible."
Dante (as Derk): "Mama says there's a metal plate in my head from when I went down." At security.
Dante (as Derk): "Rocks are good for your bones." After the tink-tank on his head.
Dante (as Derk): "Hey, be nice to him! He liked my flag!" Defending Ovain, who is attacking.
Dante (as Derk): "Dating is hard, but you can't take it out on dogs." After the tail slam.
Dante (as Derk): "I like hot dogs!" His telepathic answer in space.
Andre (as Ovain): "You have been a strange but worthy adversary. I salute you. I am leaving this planet and its Tinder."
Andre (as Colonel Sparago): "A natural disaster with legs and a mouth." Describing Derk.
Rita (as Mirabeth): "Social Security in this country should really be looked at." Andre: "That is literally part of the president's platform."
Dante (as Derk): "Grandpa, I need you to go pick me up. I don't know where I am. And I'm scared." The 2 a.m. call.
Dante (out of character): "Fucking speedster Mary Poppins." On Mirabeth's parasol run.

The Walkers in Skin¶

Two Andrews

Rita plays the real Andrew through the gym fight in Walkers 07. From the end of that scene she is secretly playing the duplicate, and Andre voices the real Andrew when he turns up in Walkers 09. The swap back comes later in that episode, after which Rita is the real Andrew again.

Walkers 01 ¶

Andre (as George H. W. Bush): "There is coincidence, there is miracle, and there is enemy action." His theory of the Georgia events.
Andre (as George H. W. Bush): "You, Andrew Howard, are personally responsible for the survival of the United States of America." The Oval Office charge.
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "I mean, sir, that's been my responsibility my entire life. You didn't have to ask." Leading into the Aetherius lecture.
Ezra (as The Biz): "Maybe he's a Republican." Why Jan surveilled Clinton.
Ezra (as The Biz): "It's a good thing I'm already estranged from my wife, am I right?" It gets a single lonely "Woo!".
Andre (as Jan Martense): "Yes, ape woman. I called her Shelly. So, I was drunk." The origin story.
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "Oh, ghosts aren't real." To Diane.
Andre (as Alberta Wilmarth): "She's not a ghost... She's just alive again." Her pitch.
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "Who wants to exhume a dead woman?" Launching the Utah case.
Ezra (as The Biz): "Great. Let's get out of town." His reply.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "I told you, just give him some more ketamine, he'll go away." On Chester.
Dante (out of character): "I want a fucking P90." Asking for better gear.

Walkers 02 ¶

Dante (as Kurt Larson): "If I don't see another one of you on TV, that would be really, really good." On Big Bill sending them far from cameras.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Somehow every hotel we have checked into for like the last three or four investigations, we've had to move to a worse one because of an enormous conference of dentists."
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "I would love to stay in some place where I don't have to sleep in a wetsuit not to get bed bug bites."
Andre (as Walt "Coyote" Murphy): "You ever microwaved an egg?" Explaining the exploded sheep.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "The worst thing about fighting geese is you can't even pepper spray 'em. Fuckers are immune to capsaicin."
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "No, God made man and geese. You know, John Colt made them equal."
Andre (as Walt "Coyote" Murphy): "One of these days I am gonna eat that thing. Alberta, I love you. I'm gonna eat that animal."
Andre (as Alberta Wilmarth): "Don't you dare, Walt. She's a beautiful, innocent, pure soul."
Zack (as Huell Kendrick): "We didn't all do the Bill Clinton thing, by the way." To Bigelow, who replies it "didn't even make the list."
Andre (as Ponytail Lady): "The number two most important rule of living here is to keep the fucking goose happy."
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Howard, I don't know how to tell you this, son... You have no game."
Andre (as Store clerk): "The ranch is weird, but that's the county."

Walkers 03 ¶

Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Ham bang it is." Improvising against the goose with no flashbangs.
Dante (out of character): "Imagine, if you will, Ezra, the opposite of a welfare check... That's what the exhumation is."
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "No, your hair's standing up. That's fucking lightning." During the event.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Must have been the wind." Chambering a round after the car slides sideways.
Ezra (as The Biz): "If they really wanted us to contact them, they would give us car phones."
Rita (out of character): "What kind of watch do you think a man who wears a full set of striped pajamas, including the hat, would wear?"
Ezra (out of character): "You think you got the strawberry jelly bean, but it turned out to be apple." On aliens versus the moth.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Y'all got a permit for that jazz?" Entering the hushed bar.
Andre (as Maggie): "I don't think Bill Clinton would be caught dead in Ballard, Utah."
Andre (as Maggie): "Turns out it is really hard to chain yourself to adobe."
Ezra (as The Biz): "I couldn't imagine half-gallon Howard."
Andre (as Sheriff McDermish): "They shot me in the ass. Communism is a terrible ideology."
Andre (as Maggie): "Not in the bar. Not again... Parking lot."
Andre (as Walt "Coyote" Murphy): "I wasn't kidding about that fucking goose being my biggest problem in life."

Walkers 04 ¶

Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Parlez-vous français?" To a coyote standing on two legs.
Zack (as Huell Kendrick): "I've seen dogs on their hind legs before, and also I've nuked a monster before."
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "You ever just sat there holding down the trigger and liquefied a whole pumpkin?... It fills a hole in you, you know." To Walt about the P90.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "No girl has ever swooned for a man because he went to a ranch, got bitten by a goose, and then shot."
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "We cannot have you recruiting high schoolers out of every case that we do. The Spud Hut one and now this one? No."
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "Our car's back. It got unabducted... It's just in Roosevelt."
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "I'm CIA, and I have standards, thank you very much."
Andre (as Walt "Coyote" Murphy): "You guys are the weirdest fucking cops I've ever met."
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "I had those stilts since Vietnam." At the pancaked car's trunk.
Andre (as Walt "Coyote" Murphy): "You can't do that. That's showing weak. Now it knows you're weak." On the goose jacket.
Andre (as Hooster): "You're the nicest guy I've ever been arrested by."

Walkers 05 ¶

Dante (as Kurt Larson): "We once exploded Fidel Castro's dog completely on accident." To the starstruck officer.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Never seen the man drop his cigar before." The Castro punchline.
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "Car got abducted. They didn't want it, though." On the wreck.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "I'm not letting another man get scurvy on stakeout, and V8 is the best Band-Aid there is." Buying V8.
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "God damn it, I almost got abducted. Why weren't the windows open?" After the event.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "I've eaten in trenches and felt less pressure from the enemy forces than this goddamn goose."
Andre (as Alberta Wilmarth): "If he's on two legs and following you, that's probably one of the weird ones."
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Oh, quiet, Andrew, that was just the LSD." Answering Andrew's buried-alive comment.
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "I think the aliens coerced a guy into confessing."
Andre (as Robert Bigelow): "We may be on the verge of making contact."
Zack (as Huell Kendrick): "Not the coconut ones, though, the other kind." The donut order for McManley.

Walkers 06 ¶

Andre (as Carl): "Ham." The hungover cop's entire contribution, repeatedly, at the police station.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "It's always nice to be owed a favor by a guy with a car crusher." After Yusuf agrees to help later.
Andre (as Yusuf Ansari): "It's not the smashing, it's the transporting." Reacting to Kurt's complaint about the car.
Andre (as Yusuf Ansari): "Not the CIA. Not again." Learning Kurt is CIA.
Zack (as Huell Kendrick): "If you're false confessing after 38 minutes, those are rookie numbers." To Yusuf.
Zack (out of character): "Why are there bedrooms in the courthouse?" Andre: "Because it used to be a double-wide."
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Shit's fucked. I don't know what it is, but shit's fucked." After the mayor locks them out.
Andre (as Sheriff McDermish): "I am so goddamn glad the professionals are on it. Give 'em hell, son... Whatever the fuck they are."
Ezra (as The Biz): "If that moth thing is real, God had better goddamn be real."
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "I don't want to say 'the,' but there is 'a'." On Santa Claus.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Guys, I think we're being microwaved." At the beam.
Dante (out of character): "Magnet stole sheet metal."
Ezra (out of character): "Listen, the realism is what makes this campaign what it is." During Andre's improvised Jeopardy detail.

Walkers 07 ¶

Zack (as Huell Kendrick): "God damn it, Margaret." Woken by the Biz.
Zack (out of character): "Copies is like my favorite thing." Reacting to the cold open.
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "You're not gonna bite me, are you?" Shaking the double's hand.
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "What, replacing me? With you, I assume?" Hearing "the easy way or the hard way."
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "I wanna make an informed decision, bro. Like, what's the hard way?" Before the shotgun clicks.
Andre (as Walt "Coyote" Murphy): "It's like, pick a fucking lane, right?" On a naked man with a shotgun.
Zack (as Huell Kendrick): "You kids have fun." Straightening Andrew's tie.
Dante (out of character): "This is a pretty rough nap, man." After the break-in.
Zack (out of character): "Motherfucker better be immortal, the way I bandaged him up." On his 15 first aid.
Dante (out of character): "Fucking Utah, man." As corpses fall from the ceiling.
Zack (as Huell Kendrick): "I went to college, and that's why I gotta be a detective." On not knowing the smell.
Zack (out of character): "Have we entered the Perot-verse?" On Election Day.
Rita (out of character): "I blew myself up." Summing up the grenade.

Walkers 08 ¶

Andre (as Donald McManley): "If you touch me, I will break your goddamn arms." His reaction to Andrew's offer of meditation.
Andre (as Donald McManley): "This is not a person. This is a vehicle. Somebody made this. And whatever you killed inside of it was its pilot."
Andre (as Yusuf Ansari): "I hate it here so much." A repeated refrain.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Playing dead — you deserve an Emmy, my man." To Yusuf.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "What in the Goosebumps fuck is that?" On the pilot organ.
Zack (as Huell Kendrick): "I'm the FB-fucking-I." Throwing the brick through the window.
Zack (as Huell Kendrick): "Fucker. We're the cops for aliens." After the local's useless stare.
Rita (as Andrew Howard (duplicate)): "Betsy's already been embarrassed enough being stuffed full of Cats costumes." On not putting bodies in the squad car.
Andre (as Donald McManley): "Coroner's note. No stomach."
Andre (as A Roosevelt man): "Get an electric oven, they said."
Rita (out of character): "Well, they shouldn't have shot me in the heart." On the Monstrous rebuild.
Andre (out of character): "They killed you. It just didn't stick."
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Yeah, I always knew I didn't like that fucking mayor."

Walkers 09 ¶

Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Now, you see, in the CIA, this is what we call an asset." About Ned and his killdozer.
Andre (as Ned Simpson): "It's the time for every patriot to take up arms and/or bulldozers and fight the communist menace."
Zack (as Huell Kendrick): "I just wanted your permission. Is it okay if I shoot it?"
Andre (as Andrew Howard (the Monstrous)): "I would like my pants back from the clone freak, if possible." The real Andrew, proving himself to Huell.
Zack (out of character): "I'm getting Ratatouille'd." After the memory probe.
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "Thought you took care of me, motherfuckers! Give me my shit back!" The real Andrew, after the swap back.
Andre (out of character): "It's funny, Howard, that the way that you proved you were human was by being bulletproof."
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "I'm the chain of command. We're moving."
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "You weren't even gonna tell my mom that I got stolen?"
Zack (out of character): "One of the main things you do as the FBI is scrape white powders into baggies."
Dante (out of character): "Got the real Andrew back, fucking killdozered a community center."

The Roulet Estate¶

Roulet Estate 01 ¶

Dante (out of character): "Guess what, Ross Perot? You're gonna have a rough first fucking day."
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "It's a little used, I hope you don't mind, but they're, like, you know, eight grand new." The stolen NSA chair.
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "Baby's fermenting." The alien fetus jar.
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "Hey, guys, you think this might kill me?" Opening the foil letter.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Normally I have a vodka Gatorade mix ready to take the edge off."
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "Oh, we kidnapped a man."
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "Well, they're not big into consent." On the Greys.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "A space fraternity."
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "Guys, I think I know where the aliens got the guns."
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "I don't like 'guns.' I don't like the plural."
Dante (out of character): "We send in the Indestructo-twink first."
Rita (out of character): "I feel like every time I wake up and don't know where I am, I'm naked." Speaking for Andrew, relieved to find him in his suit.

Roulet Estate 02 ¶

Andre (as GM): "The texture of consciousness is gritty." Describing the hungover party.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "I think I'm tripping balls down here... I was back in Saigon there for a second." After the basement hallucination.
Zack (as Huell Kendrick): "Probable cause. That's probable cause." On finding the bodies.
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "Get the fuck over here!... At least talk! Don't be creepy!" Shouting at the eyes in the woods.
Andre (as GM): "The VSS is nobody's everyday carry." On the rifle's rarity.
Ezra (out of character): "Gray alien, just fucking Marlboros." On the cigarettes in the lair.
Rita (out of character): "Creature has respiratory system. Really narrows it down."
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Is it really worse than your dad?" Talking Andrew down from the chimney hallucination.
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "It's like I'm being swallowed by my dad." The same scene.
Ezra (as The Biz): "Look, what I wouldn't give to just investigate a regular serial killer right now."
Dante (out of character): "It's Bill Clinton again, man, I'm afraid." As the Biz dials the FBI's DC office.
Dante (out of character): "I wish I had my claymores." Kurt in the attic.

Roulet Estate 03 ¶

Andre (as The Young Balding Cop): "So, aliens, huh?" A question to Huell, who flips him off.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Hit the deck! What's the position on the tango?" Shouting at cops who can't hear.
Dante (out of character): "The fucked-up thing is the hostage taker knows everything the DM knows." Why not to sneak around back as instructed.
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "Will a Ford Bronco work?" Playing dumb on the phone.
Andre (as The Roulet Intruder): "Anybody with a gun. Don't fuck with me." Defining a cop.
Andre (as Old Woman in the Lime-Green VW Beetle): "Your special agent of depravity!" While poking Andrew.
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "I'm not a vampire. This is Vietnam." Answering Dante's quip.
Zack (as Huell Kendrick): "Got shot by an alien." / "Sure, sure, diabetes." To the elevator kid.
Andre (as Mrs. McGann): "You know, still dead." Answering "How's the husband?"
Ezra (as The Biz): "Dobro pozhalovat'. Zak— zakhodite, pozhaluysta." Politely welcoming his jailer.
Andre (as Boris Yeltsin): "Tell me everything you know about the humanists."
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "He's probably dead." After hanging up on Diane.
Andre (as Ross Perot): "This is the President of the United States. I need you to come in. Something's happened in Virginia."
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "Did you call the right person? Like, there are a lot of Andrew Howards in the world." The closing line.

The Radford Horrors¶

Radford Horrors 01 ¶

Ezra (as The Biz): "There's something honest about being made to shit in an ice-cold bucket." Why captivity was clearer than luxury.
Andre (as Boris Yeltsin): "I have faith in my military officers, but I do not have faith that my military officers are my military officers."
Andre (as Boris Yeltsin): "Nuclear reactors do not emit cosmic microwave background." On the Marblehead spike.
Andre (as Boris Yeltsin): "We are no longer communist here either." His reply to "I'm not really ideological."
Zack (as Huell Kendrick): "Of course, I didn't notice when you got replaced with an alien." To Andrew, who asked whether the Biz is a double agent.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "There are degrees of double agent. Let's be clear here." Then, asked if he is one: "Not currently."
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Well, I'm guessing this is his bug-out bag. Totally normal thing to own." On the Noah Mueller kit.
Andre (as Apartment staff): "Oh, thank God, the police are finally here about Baxter... Is he dead?"
Andre (as Rudy Giuliani): "Establish an acceptable fact pattern for the previous investigation."
Andre (as Rudy Giuliani): "Now, what can you tell me about Radford, Virginia?" The cliffhanger.
Ezra (out of character): "Fuck me, I didn't actually come up with one." Before naming Daniel Webster.
Dante (out of character): "He doesn't think a big moth got him. And a big moth got him." On the AWOL FBI team.

Radford Horrors 02 ¶

Dante (as Kurt Larson): "I bled for this country. I continue to bleed for this country." Arguing with airport security over the spear gun.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Kind of a fidget." Explaining the grenade to the IRS.
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "Unrelated. Like, dude, there's only two places to stay in this town, and the other one's full of bedbugs." To the IRS.
Ezra (as Daniel Webster): "Kurt, your reaction to somebody announcing that they're the police cannot be to pull a gun on them."
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "The grenade is a time-buying tactic for you to get proper identification, right?"
Ezra (as Daniel Webster): "I am recording everything. It's for my own protection."
Zack (as Huell Kendrick): "Sorry about the mess." A Han Solo exit after vomiting in the diner bathroom.
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "Caterpillar slurry." After Webster tastes the goo.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "Man, sketchiest environmental agency ever."
Ezra (as Daniel Webster): "Without using words like 'aliens,' what do you think we're going to find in these woods?" Kurt: "Foreign element."
Andre (as GM): "A spree skinning and not serial skinning."
Dante (out of character): "Aliens aren't real, but none of you seem rich, and also none of you seem like you could work with anyone." Summing up Webster's conspiracy problem.
Andre (as ER doctor): "Not again. Not you guys. What have you done this time?"
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "This isn't coming out of my coke budget." The final line, on the bill for rabies shots.

Radford Horrors 03 ¶

Andre (as Boris Yeltsin): "Richard, there has been an unusual aircraft crash in Oryol Oblast. I need you to come take a look at it with me and tell me what you see." The call to adventure.
Dante (out of character): "Somewhere Andrew is tingling." Reacting to "aircraft crash".
Ezra (as The Biz): "I'm going into a wheat field... You're gonna have to find me." On the radio, before killing the lights.
Ezra (out of character): "I don't know what Doomed means." Burning the last Luck.
Dante (out of character): "The Biz is just aging, like, 20 fucking years in one night."
Ezra (as The Biz): "He's just really fucking up the feng shui, frankly." Dragging a dead guard out of the car.
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "If I die from this vaccine, just send me to California. They'll figure it out."
Ezra (out of character): "'If I die, please cover it up' would be a really funny sentence."
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "I had a piece of sporting goods equipment on me. Not a weapon: sporting goods equipment, purchased from a sporting goods store."
Ezra (as Daniel Webster): "Pay n' Stay is not getting a good review."
Ezra (as Daniel Webster): "Could people stop going missing?"
Dante (out of character): "Somewhat alarming that Andrew appears to have load-bearing rabies, maybe."
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "It could be a tulpa... It might be a dad tulpa. That wouldn't be the first dad tulpa."

Radford Horrors 04 ¶

Andre (as Crash survivor): "Not aliens. The opposite of aliens." Answering Yeltsin.
Andre (as Crash survivor): "Servitors... need resources." His last words before passing out.
Dante (as Kurt Larson): "You wake up to spears once, never again." Why he sleeps in a tree.
Zack (as Huell Kendrick): "Get down here, we've got goo." Phoning McManley.
Andre (as Donald McManley): "Is there a face this time?" ... "Small fucking mercies."
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "I wouldn't worry about me. I don't think it's contagious. It might be rabies." To the Blockbuster clerk.
Rita (as Andrew Howard): "This is my protein mix... This is meds." Passing off blood to Webster.
Andre (as Wilbur Whateley): "It was pregnant. It needed to breathe... it needed hosts, like a parasitic wasp."
Andre (as Wilbur Whateley): "I found it under a white oak." His final line before being escorted out.
Ezra (as Daniel Webster): "I'm trying to put together a story that isn't weird, and I'm coming up extremely short. It's just weird."
Ezra (as Daniel Webster): "Did we just torture a mental patient for no reason?"
Andre (as Rudy Giuliani): "That seems really reckless to me, Webster, running lunatics in the field."
Dante (out of character): "Faith healing Wilbur Whateley was not on my bingo card."
Andre (as Motel girl): "I don't feel good about this summer job, but I am getting that fucking horse."
Zack (as Huell Kendrick): "Yeah, that's why we call you Half Gallon Howard."