Derk¶
Non-canon
Derk belongs to the non-canon one-shot Philosopher's Fist 3.J/2: Unchainable, not to the main campaign.
Derk is a brain-damaged, near-indestructible alien prince and one of the two player characters of the one-shot Philosopher's Fist 3.J/2: Unchainable. (Philosopher's Fist)
| Type | Player character (non-canon one-shot) |
| Aliases | Dirk; Dirk Half Scion of Cantus; Derk Sauce |
| Affiliation | Mentee of Mirabeth; entrant in the World Martial Arts Tournament |
| Status | Alive, lost in Wisukonshin at the end of the one-shot |
| First appearance | Philosopher's Fist |
| Played by | Dante |
Description¶
Derk is the prince of a human-like alien race, one of several princes. He is very strong, very dim and almost impossible to hurt: a punch to the groin from Ovain makes an alarmingly metallic sound, and bed bugs cannot bite him (it kills them). He mispronounces words ("extratermestinal"), takes idioms literally ("inside voice," "rocks are good for your bones") and has no sense of social context. In the library he answers the librarian with his hand clamped over his mouth, taking the request for an "inside voice" literally, as he later explains to Mirabeth. (Philosopher's Fist)
He is joyfully honest and oblivious. His favorite things are hot dogs and dogs, and he assumes that anyone in charge is a werewolf. He can count to ten on his fingers and says he is "learning my consonants." He does not know how old he is and goes with whatever Mirabeth tells him at the moment. (Philosopher's Fist)
Background¶
Derk's given birth name is "Dirk Half Scion of Cantus," though he believes it is "Derk Sauce." His father left him on a high-gravity planet at about age five for what was meant to be a few months, and Derk stayed for fourteen years. His mother died when he was little, though he says only "I think." Living that long under high gravity left him with brain damage and the education of a five-year-old, and he lived on scorpion meat. He escaped the planet by getting good at jumping, reached escape velocity purely by accident and held his breath through space until he collided with Earth. (Philosopher's Fist)
On Earth he lived on horse feed (Omolene) until he met Fatty Gibbs, a sumo wrestler who showed him other food and gave him an old couch. Fatty died of a coronary artery problem earlier last year, and Derk agreed to enter the tournament because the Philosopher's Stone could bring him back. Mirabeth found Derk hauling a hill to clear room for bean fields in hillfolk farm country, decided he looked like a chosen hero and recently adopted him as her mentee. (Philosopher's Fist)
Mirabeth suspects that "Derk" is a fragment of his real name that he remembers; Colonel Sparago grants only that it is a nickname based on a name. (Philosopher's Fist)
History¶
The briefing. In the safety-briefing tent at the Athletes' Village, Derk stands on his chair to see the stage and offers Delta a ride on his shoulders. He answers Sparago's quiz on the two rules with the chant "Kill the audience. Don't kill the judgers," and Sparago says, "Close enough." When the tournament is suspended over a doping scandal, he whispers to Mirabeth that he has "been on asteroid before." Mirabeth sends him to say hello to Ovain, and he greets the levitating champion with "Hi! Mirabeth says you're weird!" When Ovain blasts Sparago, Derk leaps in front shouting "Get down, Mr. Doggy!" and the blast backscatters into Ovain's eyes. (Philosopher's Fist)
The trip to the capital. Mirabeth sends Derk to chat with the Alien Faction, who decide he is a lost child and shoo him back to his "guardian." As he leaves, he overhears them wondering what happened to "that Gandekian," who "looks like someone stepped on him." To get past the compound wall, he jumps with Mirabeth on his shoulders and twists his ankle. He lands by Miguel's stand and hands over $100 for hot dogs that cost a dollar each; he receives 98 and eats them all. He then jumps to the capital in about fifteen minutes, washes in a wishing-well fountain and ends up in the children's room of the Public Library, where he draws a flag among the toddlers. (Philosopher's Fist)
The social and the president. At the community-center social, a teenager insults him and stomps off, and a girl named Sarah befriends him. Coached by Mirabeth, he tells another teenager that Ovain is coming to kill the president, and the boy breaks down sobbing. The next morning he passes security by claiming a metal plate in his head and presents Derk's Flag to the Werewolf President, who gives him a presidential-seal sticker. Mirabeth stations him under the skylight of the Presidential Event Hall, and when a guard asks him to prove he can do kung fu, he twists a quarter through ninety degrees with two fingers ("Iron fist"). (Philosopher's Fist)
The fight with Ovain. When Ovain crashes through the skylight, Derk grabs him by the tail and slams him into the floor ("Dating is hard, but you can't take it out on dogs"), then bear-hugs him so that a ki blast hits the floor and both fall into the basement. He tries to bond over their fathers, and Ovain asks how scorpions taste. Derk jumps him back out through the skylight into space. Asked telepathically "What are you?", he thinks as hard as he can "I like hot dogs!" and springboards off Ovain back toward Earth. His aim is off and he re-enters over the ocean. (Philosopher's Fist)
Aftermath. Sparago later calls him "a natural disaster with legs and a mouth." At 2 a.m. Derk spends his last $2 on a video call to Mirabeth: "Grandpa, I need you to go pick me up. I don't know where I am. And I'm scared." He reads a sign as "Forester" or "Farm Mister," and a McDonald's worker tells him he is in Wisukonshin and gives him a package of nuts. (Philosopher's Fist)
Relationships¶
- Mirabeth is his mentor and self-declared guardian. He calls her Mirabeth, "Mama" and, on the phone, "Grandpa." She keeps him on protocols such as "follow the arrows until you get to a door"; to signal his location, he jumps straight up repeatedly.
- Fatty Gibbs is the friend he hopes to resurrect.
- Ovain grows curious about him and calls him "a strange but worthy adversary."
Abilities and equipment¶
The one-shot uses a Masks-style Powered by the Apocalypse game (see Game System). Derk is built on the Bull playbook. In that playbook he rolls Danger instead of Savior when defending someone and Danger instead of Freak for Unleash Your Powers, which Dante called "physics." He has a base -1 to Superior and takes 1 harm from the wall jump. His jumps reach escape velocity but are uncontrolled: they coat him in insects, damage the ozone layer and leave him hot to the touch. (Philosopher's Fist)
Memorable quotes¶
- "Get down, Mr. Doggy!" (Dante, as Derk)
- "Kill the audience. Don't kill the judgers." (Dante, as Derk)
- "Rocks are good for your bones." (Dante, as Derk)
- "Hey, be nice to him! He liked my flag!" (Dante, as Derk)
- "I like hot dogs!" (Dante, as Derk)
Trivia¶
- Dante told Matt that Derk's name "is canonically spelled with an E," though his birth name is given as Dirk.
- Andre remarked that "it's amazing how Derk being fucking stupid has dominated the tone of this one-shot," and Dante admitted he pushed "the onus of actual thinking" onto Rita.
- While Derk eats the hot dogs, Dante says out of character: "I ate nothing but scorpion meat for 14 years. Earth food is fucking incredible."
- Derk's flag includes a corgi-like dog; Matt's own corgi flags on the table's Discord got a mention during the scene.