Colonel Sparago¶
Non-canon
Colonel Sparago belongs to the non-canon one-shot Philosopher's Fist 3.J/2: Unchainable, not to the main campaign.
Colonel Sparago is the profane, exasperated safety officer of the World Martial Arts Tournament, who hates both lead characters. (Philosopher's Fist)
| Type | NPC (non-canon one-shot) |
| Aliases | Sparago |
| Affiliation | World Martial Arts Tournament |
| Status | Alive |
| First appearance | Philosopher's Fist |
Description¶
Sparago is sarcastic, profane and perpetually ready to give up ("Do what you want"). Andre describes him as hating Derk and Mirabeth personally "for different reasons," and probably forty to fifty percent of the entrants as well. It is his job to guarantee the safety of the event, and he regards the entrants as "a bunch of fucking nightmares." (Philosopher's Fist)
History¶
Sparago runs the safety briefing in the tent at the Athletes' Village. He asks the crowd to raise a hand if they are enormously strong, psychic or able to channel ki into blasts, then threatens to feed anyone who kills an audience member "to the dumbest motherfucker here." He quizzes Derk on the two rules (do not kill the audience, do not kill the judges). He also asks Derk whether he has testicles "or some reasonable analog," which sends Mirabeth into a rage. Derk answers with a garbled chant ("Kill the audience. Don't kill the judgers."), and Sparago says, "Close enough." (Philosopher's Fist)
When Ovain breaks down, Sparago begs the crowd for marijuana or Xanax ("It's a code three"), but it is too late. Derk jumps in front of the blast, and a stunned Sparago calls him "Comrade Doggy" and asks why he saved him. He has his aide Mr. Cartwright explain Ovain's state. He then says that champions usually wait until they win before turning on the president, which is why the victory punch is sedated, and goes to call the Secret Service. The unspoken implication is that another dead president would end the tournament for good. (Philosopher's Fist)
After the fight, Sparago interrupts Mirabeth's interview with a detective. He tells her the president is fine and Ovain is on his way out into space, and accuses her of smuggling Derk past the detector with "sexual wiles" against a guard who has been struggling in life. He calls Derk "a natural disaster with legs and a mouth" and lists $125,000 in property damage (mostly impact craters), a ruptured gas line, four financial-district blocks of West City evacuated and damage to the ozone layer. He grants that "Derk" is at best a nickname, says Derk needs a sponsor and must learn to bend his knees when he lands, and orders Mirabeth out. When she says she hopes to see him at next year's tournament, he replies, "You know that I will." (Philosopher's Fist)