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Diane

Diane is the secretary of the Paranatural Incident Task Force, who runs its barbershop headquarters in Washington, D.C. and serves as the agents' phone contact in the field.
Type NPC
Aliases Andrew's secretary
Affiliation FBI; Paranatural Incident Task Force; later FBI records
Status Alive (as of Radford Horrors 04)
First appearance Radford Horror 01
Played by Andre

Description

Diane is introduced as "30-something," with big, out-of-date hair, spinning in a barber chair. She chain-smokes, lighting each new cigarette from the last, plays solitaire with her own deck of cards, and sings "Natural Woman" to give Andrew Howard privacy. She is warm and quick-witted, and she was assigned to the barbershop with no briefing at all. (Radford Horror 01)

Her voice is dry and practical. She calls Andrew "Howard" or "Mr. Howard," and later addresses every agent as Mr. and surname. (Radford Horror 08, Summer Service 03, Roulet Estate 03)

At the Christmas party of 1992 Andre describes her as "pretty, like, bubbly," someone who likes people and takes an interest in them. She is married, is very close to a niece, "does something with gourds" that none of the agents has bothered to understand, and keeps three Southwestern landscapes at her desk. She loves crafts and shops at "Wally World." (Radford Horror 08, Walkers 01, Roulet Estate 01)

The episodes disagree about whether she has children. In Walkers 01 she passes on pogs that "my son's friend left" at her house, and in Walkers 06 she advises Kurt "as a mother"; in Roulet Estate 01 Andre tells the players that she "doesn't have kids." (Walkers 01, Walkers 06, Roulet Estate 01)

Andrew's verdict, once the task force is gone, is that "she was the best person on our team. She actually did her job correctly." (Radford Horrors 01)

History

The Radford Horror

Andrew meets Diane on the task force's first morning at the D.C. barbershop and hands her his parking tickets. She identifies the jars of Ephedrine and Mandrax that Huell Kendrick finds behind the plumbing as old "stakeout candy," runs outside to move the Lincoln Continental away from a meter maid, and lends Huell her cards. When she notices a landmine in the basement arsenal, Andrew gives her a speech about benevolent aliens guiding humanity; she resolves to trust "the institution and you personally." (Radford Horror 01)

During the Radford case she is the voice on the other end of the phone. Kurt Larson calls her from the Pay n' Stay and later asks her to cross-check highway-patrol roadkill data, and Andrew gives her as the contact for the elderly couple whose car the team commandeers, so that they can be reimbursed. (Radford Horror 01, Radford Horror 02, Radford Horror 03)

After the church fight she drives out to the Radford ER, having been told the team would probably die. She asks for the keys to their illegally parked car; Andrew freezes and admits it is full of drugs and money, and she is relieved that it is only heroin. Over the week-long hospital stay she fetches books from the used bookstore, including the novels of Derek Augustine. Back in Washington she spends some of Dean Lawson's heroin and cash, which she calls "the budget," on two window air conditioners that make the lights flicker, and helps name the office mascot, OJ the stuffed alien. Kurt sets up regular phone check-ins with her before the team leaves for Marblehead. (Radford Horror 08)

The Summer Service

When Andrew phones to say "I found an arm," Diane arranges a forensics team and passes on the secretary pool's gossip about its leader, Donald McManley: good, abrasive, and the reason his last secretary quit. She asks the team to keep the Biz from fighting him. She will not say the word "moth" on the phone, spelling it out as "M-O-T-H" in case the NSA, "the Puzzle Palace," is listening, and promises to "send in the cavalry" if something big tries to kill them. She also holds Andrew's mail from the Radford ER at the office. (Summer Service 01)

She later pages Andrew to say that the CDC, FEMA and the NCEH are all calling the secretary pool, that the governor may call out the National Guard, and that the toxin that hit the team is "not VX exactly" but close and appears synthetic (see Synthetic nerve agent). Told that Andrew now suspects an "alien submarine," she replies that this is not very different from a sea monster. Andrew tells McManley to call her if the team has not turned up by the next day. (Summer Service 03)

The Things in Appalachia

Diane staffs the front desk of the PITF office, buys supplies out of drug-money "petty cash," hands out popcorn, and brings up the dossier on the Dahlonega disappearances with the hope that this case will be "less national-newsy." (Appalachia 01)

The Walkers in Skin

After the Georgia case makes the task force famous, members of the public start turning up at the office, including a woman whose dead mother is haunting her (Alberta Wilmarth). Diane asks what to do with them, and the team settles on a tip box, which she treats as a craft project. She gives Huell some pogs that her son's friend left at her house. (Walkers 01)

From Utah, Kurt phones her to verify the alibi phone call of Yusuf Ansari. She agrees to have it run and asks "Any ape men?" (Walkers 06)

The Roulet Estate

On Christmas Eve 1992 Diane decorates the office. Her tree trips the breaker and wipes Andrew's last Utah report; she finds an extension-cord arrangement that works and tunes the stereo to "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree." Her Secret Santa gifts are watercolor paper for Kurt's daughter, a hand-knit sweater for Andrew, scotch for Huell and new shoes for the Biz. In return she receives a pashmina shawl from Andrew, scotch from Huell, Southwestern scratch-off tickets from the Biz (some already scratched), and from Kurt a Herman Miller chair stamped as NSA property, after which she proposes wheeling her old chair to the curb and setting it on fire; Kurt agrees they will have to, "for the bugs." Kurt's gift to Andrew, a fake alien fetus in a jar, horrifies her. Big Bill then arrives with the news that the task force will be disbanded. (Roulet Estate 01)

On Inauguration Day the drunk agents wake her and make her drive them about seven hours to Rhode Island, with five stops for Corn Nuts and one, against her wishes, to pick up the Finnish Hare Krishna Monk. The next morning the hungover agents find what looks like a body under a blanket in the back seat of the agents' car; it is Diane, asleep, and she is the one who can tell them how they got to the Roulet House. When the Roulet Intruder opens fire she panics, and when it steals the car she is stranded with them and walks with the party to the Clown Mansion. (Roulet Estate 01, Roulet Estate 02)

Once the local police arrive she makes small talk with the uniforms and is sent home by way of the airport. After the task force is dissolved she is reassigned to FBI records, which she finds quiet. She phones Andrew to check on everyone: Kurt is busy, Huell talked her ear off about Roseanne, and she cannot reach "Mr. Baxter." (Roulet Estate 03)

The Radford Horrors

It is Diane who alerts Andrew that nobody can reach the Biz, who left the hospital months earlier. Still in records, she runs checks for Kurt: narrowing the window of the disappearance, pulling international flights, collecting newspapers and looking into missing submarines, of which she knows only those lost at Marblehead. In Radford the team considers putting her on the Safe Environment Fund as well. (Radford Horrors 01, Radford Horrors 04)

Relationships

Memorable quotes

Quote

"My life has gotten a lot more surreal since about 6 this morning. But you know what? I'm going to trust that you people know what you're doing." Andre (as Diane) (Radford Horror 01)

Quote

"If it seems like a big— I can't say it— if it seems like a big thing is gonna try to kill you guys, let me know so I can send in the cavalry." Andre (as Diane) (Summer Service 01)

Quote

"You guys are the weirdest cops." Andre (as Diane) (Roulet Estate 01)

Quote

"I can't believe the fucking gray alien stole our car." Andre (as Diane) (Roulet Estate 02)

Trivia

Appearances